Is my relationship about you? or about me?

Brenda fights intensely with her husband Ed.  He does (or doesn’t do) whatever, and doesn’t realize that she’s picking up the pieces.  She gets angry at the unfairness.  She communicates, explains, tries to teach him, tries to get him to change.  She loves him; she’s committed to the relationship; she needs him to understand.

What if she shifted from thinking about him to thinking about herself: “What are my needs and my feelings?  Why does this upset me?  What does it imply about me?”  At some level, Brenda feels she’s “serving the master” and it pisses her off.

So what are her choices?  She can report in to him: “I’m feeling thus-and-so.”  He doesn’t have to care, or to do anything about it, but she’s sure as hell going to notice if her feelings don’t matter to him.

Then she can strategize.  Can this relationship work for her?  Does he notice or care, or does he think it’s normal and her tirades are neurotic?  If she thinks it might work for her, then how?  She can enjoy this and that with him but keep the rest off limits?  Change her expectations?  And, realistically (knowing herself), can she make those changes and do with less?

If she can’t shift from thinking about him to thinking about herself, she’s probably caught in a “magic task.”  (My book “The Fairy Tale Fix” will explain.)  In which case, she should go do her homework and get realistic.  Regardless of what she needs him to be, Ed is just another human being; he isn’t magical; he isn’t a new version of her parent; he won’t/can’t assure her value.  Sorry . . . .

And the question becomes, If what she sees is what she gets, does she want to stay?  Ultimately, it really isn’t about him.  It’s about HER — in relation to him.  Anything else (trying to change or improve him; telling herself it doesn’t matter) is a dodge.